As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to your children's needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won't be a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope. It is possible to break up and minimise the emotional damage for your children if you take steps to avoid these five common mistakes.
1. Don't communicate through your child .The last thing you may want to do is to talk to your ex-partner but if you have children it can't be avoided. It's not a good idea to use your children to keep lines of communication open. It may be hard but keep things civil and stick to practicalities.Don't use your child as the messenger. It's up to you as adults to keep in contact. If tensions are too high perhaps a polite note to keep emotions out of communications, the less conflict the better for the child. You can text and email these days with practical details. The long term effects of divorce on children are very much related to how much tension and conflict is around so try to avoid it.
2. Don't over share with your child. You may well be angry and resentful about how your relationship has ended or how your ex is acting but don't let your child know how you feel. It's not your child's problem. It's not appropriate to overshare. Speak to your peers and family, not your children. It's definitely best to share with other adults or go onto a forum.
3. Don't criticise your ex It's going to be tricky but try not to criticise your ex in front of the kids. You can be negative and off load to your friends or a counsellor instead.Your children are part of both of you so don't pass on your burdens and criticise their parent, make it clear you both love them very much. Little ones, especially, internalise both of you so by criticising your ex-partner it feels like you are criticising them. If your children are criticising their other parent don't agree but just listen to them and sympathise with how they are feeling. Maybe suggest they write their feelings down and talk to your ex about them if they want to.
4. Don't give your child the third degree.Try not to ask too many questions about the time your children spend with their other parent. You can ask general questions like, 'What was the weather like?' or 'Did you have fun?' but never grill your child about your ex's possible new girlfriend or boyfriend. It'll make them feel awkward and they may feel guilty about enjoying spending time with their other parent. Don't interrogate your child, it's unfair and they won't give you a true reflection anyway.They'll feel bad for saying they had a good time.
Your child may volunteer stuff but don't question them. Just keep your child's best interests at the heart of everything. Some children go through divorce with relatively few problems, while others have a very difficult time. It’s normal for kids to feel a range of difficult emotions, but time, love, and reassurance should help them to heal. If your kids remain overwhelmed, though, you may need to seek professional help. Parents also need to remember to take care of themselves. Find your own way to reduce stress in your life by finding supportive friends and asking for help when you need it. Try to keep some old family traditions, while building new memories to share. Showing your kids how to take good care of mind and body during difficult times can help them become more resilient in their own lives.
By Abdullahi Aliyu Wuyo
University of Maiduguri Department of Mass Communication
400 level
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